Jade Leota

Tiny Jade

The first time I saw Jade was in the post-op room after my C-section. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, my body was still shaking, and things were pretty fuzzy with my vision because I didn't have my glasses on or contacts in. Honestly I felt like I was in a dream. I was barely 21 and a football team of doctors had just pulled two babies out of me. I was trying to wrap my mind around this new reality as I saw a tiny little foot sticking itself up in the air about ten feet away from me...and then a tiny little matching hand slowly stuck itself up to where I could see it too. I seriously think my heart stopped for a few seconds. I was in sheer awe. Jade had entered my world.  One of the nurses saw that I was coherent enough to be asking my husband if that baby in the 'tanning bed' was indeed ours and so she scooped up Jade and brought her over to me. I never knew you could feel terror and love at the same time

before that moment of holding my daughter. My arms were shaking and I told the nurse I shouldn't be holding her. The nurse said it was a great time to try nursing. I was like, "Heck no!" (I have nothing against nurses, fyi, actually they are some of the people I most highly respect and love.) Since I wasn't crazy about nursing while incoherent they dropped another baby into my arms (multiplying my terror, love and hormone levels).

she loved being swaddled, especially by daddy

angry Jade

Uh...hel-lo Cyrus! Then they were like, "Okay, time to go see everyone!" and they whisked me down the hallway, as I prayed that my shaking arms wouldn't drop these tiny creatures whose lives I was all of a sudden responsible for. Is it not totally insane that hospitals let completely inexperienced people leave with newborns 24-48 hours after giving birth?!?!

Jade: sassy now, sassy then

Jade:fearless

Jade: tenacious

Twelve years later I'm still questioning God about if He knew what He was doing when He made me a mom. Especially to Jade. I continue to be in awe of her. She is strong, confident, and hardworking. She has also been a painfully close-up mirror to me and my pride. Let's be honest; I had no idea how selfish, arrogant and stubborn I was before I was her mom. When I went in to see a church counselor a couple years ago about my relationship with her because I was DONE being a mom, the counselor reminded me that I get to be Jade's mom.   Not have to be, get to be. It was definitely the slap in the face wake-up call that I needed. God is still doing a lot of painful work in my heart but He has also been working in Jade too. Thank you thank you thank you to all my prayer warrior friends and family who have prayed for my relationship with Jade, especially over the past few years. He has grown us closer and I have had incredible conversations with her because of circumstances and trials in our lives. I have seen prayer after prayer answered.

They fight like an old married couple now but I think they're still buddies ;)

Jade our pixie

Jade has grown resilient through these challenging middle school years. God is opening her eyes to what it truly means to follow Christ in a broken world where He calls us to love our enemies and make Him preeminent in our lives. This last summer we were hugely blessed by a weekend away together as we went through the Passport to Purity study together. I had never had that much one on one time with my daughter! I was nervous before we left and unsure of how things would go. What would we talk about in our free time? Would we be able to get through a conversation without arguing? Would she be open and honest talking about awkward topics? As we sat in traffic on our way out to the hotel (we had to leave a couple hours late because of some unforeseen circumstances of course), I was reminded that I was in a war zone. And as Jade fell asleep in the car, I tried to explain to God that I was simply too tired and too immature for this whole mom/warrior thing. My attempts at conversation with her had already resulted in back-talking and defensiveness (from both sides of the car I'm embarrassed to say). The slower the traffic became, the more I poured out my frustrations to my heavenly father. What I wanted to hear back was that things would get easier, that God would magically make me a better mom and Jade an easier daughter. That's not exactly where the conversation went though.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

As we finally exited the freeway and got closer to our hotel I noticed how much celebrating was going on in the streets and I remembered the Supreme Court had just made its ruling regarding same-sex marriage. Ironic, I thought, considering we were going to be talking about sex and purity all weekend. Over the course of the weekend we would also hear plenty of foul language and see grown women parading around in public fountains in their underwear while their friends recorded on cell phones. While part of me wanted to invest in an underground bomb shelter to raise my daughter in, the other part of me said that this is the world we live in and my daughter is not mine, she is God's. And if I truly want her to be a light in the world, she will have to be in the darkness.

 Can we all agree that that's terrifying? 

I pray for physical and spiritual protection for her every day, yet I pray for God's will in her life and for Him to conform her to His image. Remember how Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and crucified? Remember how he sweat blood as He prayed for God's will before all that? (Hematidrosis: interesting article on this: http://www.gotquestions.org/sweat-blood-Jesus.html) 

There are days that I am nervous to pray for God's will for my kids, particularly my daughters. But deep down I know He created them and He loves them even more than I can comprehend. Lord, help me to be brave and trust you.

May I remember to pray earnestly as Jesus did, for my daughter Jade, for her sanctification and for how He can use her life to bring glory to Himself through all circumstances.

Awkward Evangelism

I'm not sure what you picture when you hear the word evangelist. I typically picture one of those guys you see on t.v. that's in a suit and tie and they seem to either be preaching that 1) you can have it all in this life and Jesus will solve all your problems or 2) the fire and brimstone talk.

Now even though I believe hell is a terrifyingly real place and that Jesus does rescue from many problems (primarily our sin problem which he solved so we don't have to pay our debts in hell), I don't particularly want to be associated with either of these guys I picture when someone says that 'E' word. So when our pastor recently started going through Luke 10, which is all about bringing the 'good news' to others, I kinda wanted to skip church for a few weeks. Even writing this post about the 'E' word totally makes me shaky and nervous. BUT-because my life is not my own and it was bought at an extremely high price, I need to get comfortable with this 'E' word because essentially it's why I'm still here and God hasn't taken me home yet. I have tried and tried to avoid the 'E' word but God keeps putting it right in my path. So I'm writing this to encourage any of my timid brothers and sisters in Christ that even though evangelism may be awkward for some of us, it is also truly incredible that God allows us to take part in it.

I remember when I first started to realize the significance of evangelism. The twins were about five, we were in the car on the way to swim lessons, and we were talking about why people do missions work and how people all over the world don't know who Jesus is.  All of a sudden tears started streaming down Jade's face and she asked in a shaky voice, "How do they not know God? How do they not know who Jesus is?" She asked these questions with such genuine compassion and conviction that it took me a second to respond. All I could tell her was simply that no one had told them. It reminded me though of Romans 10:14; "How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?"

We talked a few more minutes about the urgency of telling others about the hope of Christ and then we pulled into the parking lot at swim class. So it really shouldn't have caught me off guard when Jade plopped into the water, slid into her swim teacher's arms and asked her, " Miss Lexi, do you know Jesus?" As I was trying to situate Cyrus' goggles on him without snapping his face and balancing baby Dax on my leg, I could feel my whole body getting red, hot and nervous. "What was she thinking?! She barely knows her swim teacher, nothing about her religious background and worldview...was her teacher going to think I told her to ask her that?!"

I held my breath as I strained to hear her instructor's response over all the splashing in the pool. She simply answered, " I know of him. But I don't know him personally if that's what you mean." The swim lesson continued from there and as far as I know there wasn't any more talk about God. Was Miss Lexi offended? No. Was my daughter thrown in jail? No. Was my daughter even embarrassed or made fun of? No. She was bold and unashamed as followers of Christ are called to be in 1st Timothy. As Jade is growing older and maturing, she is learning more and more the realities of the world we live in: how so many people truly don't know Jesus personally, and that there are Christians who suffer every day because the name of Jesus is offensive or because sharing the gospel is illegal.

Actually I can understand why His name is offensive more than I can understand the relativistic, " I'm glad you've found what makes you happy and fulfilled" statement that people sometimes give when I bring up Christianity. After all, if Jesus really was and is the God-man, if he is the only way to heaven, and if he's going to come back to judge with eyes of fire and a tongue like a sword (Revelation 1), then there are some serious implications for our world and each individual soul it holds.

I wish I could say that after that day at swim lessons, I resolved to become a better evangelist. The truth of the matter was that I still had reservations. Not about God or the Bible, but about my own underlying thoughts and insecurities. These were my main three:

*I didn't think I could share the gospel in a nutshell since the Bible is such a fat and overwhelming book.

*I didn't think I could answer the tough questions like "How can a good God allow suffering in the world?" Or "How can God call us to be holy when clearly we'll always fall short?"

*I didn't want people to think of me differently or treat my children differently. (I should note that this is contrary to how Christ calls us to live; never the less it was still a fear of mine ;))

There are so many people in the world, with different worldviews, varying experiences, many who have been deeply pained or simply annoyed by Christians and churches...how in the world do you start these conversations about eternity...???

I would envision conversations with my Target cashier, " So...great weather we're having, right? Oh and by the way have you thought about surrendering your life to the one who made you?"

Or as I stood in line thinking about making my Starbucks order, " I'll have a tall, non-fat, kid-temp caramel macchiato please. Oh and did you know that even if you're a really moral person by our world's standards, you still need Christ's sanctifying blood to allow you into heaven?"

The fact of the matter is some people are just better at evangelism than others, right? And the gospel is too important for me to screw it up, right? So for a while I decided I was just going to live my life for Christ and never open my mouth to bother people. I mean, after all, they're just going to say I'm judging them. Or that I'm crazy for believing in the words of a super old book, written by flawed humans. And the conversation just always gets awkward. No one likes to be awkward.

Well, the problem with all these excuses and fears is that I go to a church where we read the Bible. Weird, right? And everywhere in the Bible it talks about telling others who made us and redeemed us. Everywhere. And actually it makes sense when you think about the two commandments that Jesus said basically sum up God's purpose for us; to love the Lord God with all we are, and to love others. By this we will be known as His followers. The more I thought about this, the more I realized I needed to pray for compassion. My fear of man was greater than my love of man!  As one of our pastors once taught, we have to see each person as a soul. Whether they are the person who cuts you off in traffic, the mean teacher at your kid's school or someone who is new at your church...there are so many people!!! And that means so many souls!!!  ( I think our pastor said there are about 3 million people just in Orange County!)

And he said to them, " The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." Luke 10:2

 For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

Now not everyone is 'ripe' for the harvest and so evangelism calls for much discernment. But if you call yourself a follower of Christ, I urge you to pray for opportunities to talk about God with people in your sphere of influence-specifically people that are hungry to know God. Beware though-He WILL answer this prayer! ;) I also urge you to be ready to give a defense for what you believe. You don't have to be eloquent, you really just need to let people know why you're placing all your stock in the man who called himself the Christ. The other day a gentleman in the supermarket stopped Jade and I as we were shopping and talked to us about the scary state of our world and how he was praying for Christ's return. The fact that he had a somewhat severe speech impediment didn't stop him one bit. I just kept thinking to myself, "This guy is braver than Moses who whined until God gave him a spokesperson!"

I still feel like evangelism is very awkward for me...the fact of the matter is that some people are very gifted in this area (and others, like myself, are not). However, He's also been very good at humbling me and reminding me that I need to be obedient and let Him do all the heavy lifting.

If you don't feel confident enough to share your faith, I encourage you to find a church that will equip you and/or make use of some of the incredible online sources that are available. Here are some of my favorites:

Stand to Reason
http://www.str.org/

Got Questions
http://www.gotquestions.org/

Our pastor's website (Mike Fabarez)
http://www.pastormike.com/

Our sister church's pastor's website (Bobby Blakey)
http://www.evangelismeveryday.com/author/bobby/

If you'd like to listen/watch the series on evangelism and the book of Luke, I believe you can find them on the Focal Point website (I'll look them up for you if you're interested). The series ended a few weeks ago.

Lastly, please pray for me that I would care enough about people to take advantage of opportunities that God gives me to talk about Him...in my busy daily life, it's easy for me to put my priorities over God's. Thanks friends!

Happy birthday to my hunny!

Well, he's 33 today and I absolutely love this guy. Sure, he drives me crazy at times but I am incredibly thankful for him. He is trustworthy, hardworking, God-fearing, affectionate and even good-looking. (Call me shallow, but hey, if you have to wake up next to somebody every morning, it doesn't hurt if they're easy on the eyes ;).)

I don't think anyone really knows what they're getting into when they get married. It's an amazing adventure and the ultimate challenge in my opinion. God has blessed us so much more than we deserve and I'm pretty sure He knew what He was doing when He stuck the two of us together.

Happy birthday to my best friend who has held my hand through it all...thanking God today for the man He's given me and all the joy that comes from being a wife :)

Here are a few random James pics, mostly with cute babies...and one of Dax sneezing at the end, just because it's hilarious. ;)

And yes James, you're right; we have a bazillion pictures on the computer and it would be physically impossible to organize them in our lifetime!

James and baby Cyrus

James and baby Jade

Remember that road trip to South Dakota and Colorado? When I totaled the car? Here's a happy moment at Emilie's wedding shortly after that incident...well, everybody's happy except for Dax ;) 2 out of 3 isn't bad though for a pic of kids!

Remember when we went apple picking and there were no apples? And we posed this picture so it would look like we actually picked some off a tree and didn't just buy a bag from the stand? Lol

Snuggly Squishy

Why did we stop having babies?! Look how cute Dax is!

You always did love the babies when they were sleeping ;)

Sweaty and cute Cyrus

You in your happy spot on the couch

Oh for the love of nerds...

Apparently your birthday/Father's Day breakfasts haven't changed much over the years...lol...isn't this identical to this morning's meal? Except the hash browns have improved slightly ;)

You and your cute firebird

Daddy and twins sandwich :)

I know you hate me taking pictures of you but aren't they fun to look at later...?

Squishy in all his sneezing glory

Happy birthday my love!!!

Reality

After 12 years of complaining about how my husband James is a night person and I'm a morning person, I think I'm starting to understand why God put us together.

I love the quiet before everyone gets up, the funny gurgle of the coffee maker and our kookey cat who bounces off the walls at 6 a.m. James on the other hand prefers to kick the annoying cat out of the house and smells his way downstairs to his coffee cup like it's that goblet of immortality in Indiana Jones.

The kids know to give Daddy space in the morning and that's just the way he rolls. I begin each day with enthusiasm, hopes and goals. The world is my oyster! I am going to be a professional chef, an expertly thorough house-cleaner, a pinterest-prepared mom, share the gospel with each stranger I meet...and all the while be patient, kind and productive!

Fast-forward to the afternoon...reality sets in about 4:00 when I drink another cup of coffee and we battle homework, dinner, and lots of 'conflict resolution'. This is when I begin to feel defeated and overwhelmed. (Am I the only one that feels like they've been stuck on a newly discovered planet with a bunch of little aliens which seem to all be from different species with unique physical needs, tastes in food and emotional sensitivities???) James comes home a while later, often times finding me in my chamber of solitary confinement, aka the bathroom.

Disclaimer: These photos are not of my actual home. Or child. Any resemblance of my home or pictured child is purely coincidental.

This may sound pitiful...I suppose at times it is...lol...but I'm finding that if I take a few minutes to locate my sanity, read a few Bible verses and pray to God to help me survive motherhood, it's totally worth whatever injuries occur in the five minutes I'm gone from the room. ;) That little nugget of time seems to get me through the next few hours.

Come 8:00ish, James is ready to play games with the kids, bake cookies and do everything that is actually fun in parenting. This is usually when I... 1) say that we are parents and therefore never get to do anything fun with our kids, that they can only ever eat vegetables and they have to go to bed immediately (after brushing and flossing twice of course) or 2) beg to be able to go to bed. I'm quite the late night party animal as you can see.

I just hate the evenings because I almost always look back on my day and see all my failures...didn't read to that kid, didn't get time outside to play, never did our devotional time together, has that other kid eaten anything besides goldfish all day...? The list goes on...laundry is a vicious cycle, we have resorted to plastic spoons because the 'reusable kind' are always dirty in the sink, etc. etc....

Last night I put my cranky self to bed early and my sweet husband reminded me that our anniversary was in a few hours..."whoop-dee-do" I think I silently said to him with my tired smile before I gave him a run-down of the remaining homework that was supposed to be done. I then trudged upstairs and checked some emails in bed, then read my friend Michelle's latest update:

http://aint-no-supermom.blogspot.com/

James and I  love Chad and Michelle. They make us laugh. They always ask how we're doing (and you can tell they genuinely want to know which is kind of weird considering how mundane our lives are compared to theirs). And our church family has become slightly obsessed with them...lol...kind of hard not to be though when they seem to 'glow in the dark' for Christ in the midst of their trials. When I read her blog, I am reminded of how good God is and how hard reality can be in our broken world.

Sometimes this race that God has set before us can seem so much harder than we can handle. And that's because it is. He always gives us more than we can handle because that's what will bring us to our knees before Him.

Happy 12th anniversary to my night owl husband who puts up with my irrationality past 8 pm. It hasn't always been pretty.  Love you babe.