And then there are those trials that seem to go on and on...and on...and people tire of praying about them...they tire of asking others to pray for them...shoot, they even tire of complaining about the circumstances themselves. As the good old Rob Biagi prayer song goes, God answers prayer in just three ways-yes, no or not today. I recently re-watched the God's Not Dead movie and was moved by how forlorn and yet honest a character was when he came to the realization that God says no quite a bit throughout our lives. I am sure that besides this fictional character, there are numerous souls out there who are hurting and struggling and bitter, walking through life unable to accept God's answers to their prayers.
One of the most challenging aspects of being a Christian is knowing that He may ask us to step into fires that He won't save us from even though He could. I'm not talking about eternal fires, but simply the refining fires that He actually promises true followers. It's discussed in the Old Testament, in Isaiah 48:10,
Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
And also in the New Testament, in 1 Peter 3:6-7,
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
A few years ago, the last time I blogged, our family had transitioned to me working outside of the home again. Phoenix was attending preschool where I worked and the rest of our kiddos were all at a public charter that was just around the corner from my work. I was still able to drop them off and pick them up and I had the most gracious boss and coworkers. Even though it was a tough transition for each of our family members, God had His hand on all of it and took care of many details. I quickly went from substitute teaching to assistant teaching to lead teaching my own classroom-which I loved. It wasn't an opportunity I'd expected, and I had some big shoes to fill. (Phoenix's teacher was retiring; she had by far been the most fabulous teacher at the school.) My boss was encouraging though and like I said, my coworkers were amazingly supportive. In all the places I've worked, I've never had such sweet and hardworking ladies all together under one roof before. Eventually I got into the swing of things and embraced this new role God had put in my path. I had forgotten how fun it was to have my own classroom and what a privilege it was to work with families of preschoolers.
My family at home made it through a long school year and even a couple summers where I wasn't home for much of the day. God gave me amazing older kiddos who were trustworthy enough to watch their younger siblings; quite the blessing. As the twins headed into their eighth grade year, James and I talked often about where they should go to high school. We lived in walking distance of one school but weren't zoned for it. I prayed and prayed, knowing that our lease would soon be up and we would have an opportunity to move if God so led us. I spoke with many high school parents and asked about their experiences at the different schools. Shoot, if I met a random high schooler out and about, I'd briefly interrogate them about their school as well! And then I took tours of the two top contenders in our area. One right after the other, in the same afternoon. Wow, was God clear. I was in tears in my car. Sometimes as a follower of Christ, it's all just so overwhelming at times. God is so big and so great, yet He hears our prayers for the most minute and unimportant things. And the most crazy thing of all is that He answers us. He is astonishingly faithful. We try to compare God to things we know, people we know, words we know. I think it's just part of our nature and our brain's attempt to process things. But when I say God is faithful, there is no comparison. If there's nothing else my children learn about God, I want them to know He is faithful. He is faithful to serve justice because He is a good God. He is faithful to redeem because He is a merciful God.
I cried tears in my car that day because God had heard my prayers and answered them. I wish I could say I had complete peace at that point, but of course my brain jumped to its next prayer request and more questions for God. I had already heard how impossible it was to get released from the district we were currently zoned for. In the following weeks I discovered exactly how true those rumors were. But I kept praying and praying. I often ran in the mornings with a sweet friend of mine who was just getting into the real estate business. She was keeping an eye out for my family and joining me in prayer as well. How precious that gift is...to have friends who come alongside us in prayer! Oh how I take that for granted. She not only prayed for God to provide a way into this school we desired, but for God to not let me be anxious about any part of the whole process. He was so good to provide peace for me. It was wonderful. Anyone who has waited on God knows how the enemy attempts to break our trust in Him and steal our joy from our current circumstances. It can be next to impossible to not be consumed by future plans.
In God's perfect timing, my friend and her family ended up moving out of their home to buy in another neighborhood, and she connected us with the owner who approved us to move in! On New Year's Day, a dozen faithful friends and family (on their day off from work!) showed up to move our loads of stuff...yet again...I don't know why they continue to be our friends. We move way too frequently and it's always on a holiday. ;) We are continually in awe of the Lord and His kindness and provision.
Wait-you say-why is this entry titled 'When God Says No'?! Clearly He said yes. Well. Yes, He did. He doesn't always say no! And we enjoyed the fruit of His blessing for almost nine months in that home. The twins could walk to school, we were less than five minutes from church, we had other children in the neighborhood to play with, God was providing tons of opportunities to witness to our neighbors. It was amazing.
As I put up a verse sticker on a wall in our home, I stood back and examined it. And then I examined my heart.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
My heart was full of thanksgiving, but also a bit of apprehension. Was I only joyful in Christ because He had given me what I wanted...? I prayed that God would help me to be content in every circumstance. To desire only Him and Him alone. And then I kind of wondered if I shouldn't have prayed that!
Sure enough, days later, our property manager called and notified us that the owner needed to sell. We needed to find a new place to live. It was three weeks into the school year. Freshman year for the twins. Why in the world had God brought us there if He was just going to move us again?! I couldn't wrap my head around it.
In the last nine months, rent in the area had gone up $500-$800/month for basically any three bedroom homes. Even two bedroom apartments were out of our price range. James and I were both already working as much as we could. We appealed to our employers, asking if we could take on any more specialty jobs in order to supplement our current incomes. It was in vain.
Every year, we have had friends move out of California. Some for jobs, but most simply because they couldn't afford it here. So we started reaching out to them and scoping out different areas. There really weren't any options for us in California. We'd already rented from my mom for a few years to try and save money for housing. I didn't want to take that route again. We flew out with our close friends to check out the Austin area and I was excited about our prospects. Of course there would be many unknowns and we would be leaving behind all our family and friends, but at least we could afford a roof over our heads and there were job opportunities. I was confident that God would be with us wherever we went and provide for our every need. He had always been faithful to us.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2
What I wasn't expecting from this whole living situation predicament was a fierce spiritual battle. The pressure was on and James sure felt it. Things became tense between us and I didn't know how to reach him. I knew he'd been drifting away from God, his church family and even our own family in the last couple of years, but I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. What I didn't know was that God was working on his heart. Somewhere in the midst of September to November of 2017, God opened James's eyes to the fact that he wasn't really a follower of Christ, the hand of the Holy Spirit was intensely heavy upon him and then God lifted his burdens off his shoulders and changed his heart of stone to a heart of flesh. To say October was a rough month for both of us would be a dramatic understatement. Things got worse before they got better. And when I felt God pressuring me to submit to my (then self-professing non-Christian) husband, and move in with my in-laws, let's just say I was kicking and screaming about it. I finally relented and angrily threw my white flag at God. Let's just say I'm not the most graceful at going through trials...
As a matter of fact, I was so consumed by my anger and the challenges of, yet again, moving in with family, that it took me a couple weeks to accept the transformation that was going on with my husband. He was at peace, joyful, selfless, and bending over backwards to make accommodations for me in our new living space. Through my fog of frustration and anger, God started revealing all the different ways that He'd changed James's heart. Our home life was different, our finances became different, how we prioritized spending our time was different and more significant than anything else: the love of my life shared my same hopes and dreams! He wanted to talk about the Bible, he was reading book after book on prayer and faith, and he initiated us praying together about anything and everything. We were finally partners in serving the King of kings. We both had an eternal home that we were looking forward to more than any structure that would ever house us in this life. It was mind-blowing...James truly was a new person, born-again. Some days I almost didn't recognize him. For those outside our family, he'd always been a good guy. Loving father, faithful husband, a great provider for his family. And he was a good guy, especially according to the world's standards. But after God convicted his heart and brought him to full repentance, those of us inside the home could tell he was no longer living for himself but for Christ. His direction in life and his motives were absolutely changed. He was a new creation; the old was gone and the new had come. Does he still battle his fleshly temptations? Yes. Does he still sin? Yes. But now God doesn't let him get away with it! The Holy Spirit opens his eyes to it and humbles him. Just like the rest of us disciples of Christ, God is still working on James day after day. Refining, molding, pruning. The Lord disciplines those He loves like a faithfully consistent parent. It's not always pleasant by earthly standards, but submitting to God is a new adventure every day.
Fast-forward a couple years. I'm starting to get used to this new guy I'm married to. Our 15th anniversary (which fell a few months after James got saved) felt like a long-awaited 1st anniversary. James surprised the six of us with a cruise down to Ensenada and we were spoiled with mountains of food, fun excursions and lazy relaxation time. It was much-needed by all of us. It was worth the splurge.
When we returned, it was back to the daily grind and navigating through life. God clearly had said no to us moving out of state and it took me a good year to be content with that answer to prayer. However He didn't leave us completely without direction. We brainstormed, prayed and argued (yes, even though we're both Christians now, we still argue from time to time ;)) about what God's long-term plans were for our family. He wisely pointed both of us to immediate needs and we are doing our best to fulfill these roles in this season. We decided that I should stop teaching outside the home and instead teach inside our home, to meet the multiple needs within our family. So no more paycheck for me or money to put away in savings, or any chance at having our own place again in the near future...okay God, we are trying to trust You... ;)
Cyrus and Jade have continued at the high school God brought them to but Dax and Phoenix are now both home with me. Believe it or not, my classroom of two students is more challenging than 16 preschoolers. Leave it to God to always keep me on my toes. Every day is a juggling act, between the needs of our teens, tween and 'baby' who is now 7!
This fall, James began his journey into the coding world and all the different languages that programmers use; it has been quite the rabbit hole. He's finding out what he likes and doesn't like and continuing to pray about if God wants him to change occupations at some point. He just completed his first 100 Days of Code Challenge. I'm now one semester in at CSUF's masters program for literacy specialists. I have been pleasantly surprised at how much I'm enjoying it. Though it is a ton of material and incredibly challenging, I'm learning a lot and it has already grown my passion for reading, writing, linguistics and education. Both James and I have been humbled getting back into schooling. We are not exactly spring chickens and at the end of our long days, we really don't have the energy to open our laptops and fire up our brains for 2-3 hours of work. So this is the main reason why I'm writing this blog entry.
We need prayer. For endurance, perseverance, keeping our priorities straight and holding our plans loosely before a great God who knows what's best for us. For content and thankful hearts for where God has us right now. And we need prayer for guidance in God's future plans for our family. We are looking at colleges for the twins, thinking about education for Dax and Phoenix, and exploring job options for ourselves. We don't know if God wants us to remain in California or yet again consider an out-of-state move. As I mentioned at the beginning of this novel, I'm tired of asking for prayer. Regarding our living situation, we are blessed beyond measure to have such gracious extended family. But we do desire our own home and we would love to be financially independent. (My guess is that my in-laws also have this same desire for us! Lol.) I guess the fact is we are never financially independent. God is always the provider of all things. He has stuck us here and He will move us if and when He wants to. So pray that He will sustain us and give us peace with His timeline and His plans. Even though God says no quite often, He has His reasons, and I trust Him.
