Veruca Salt.
That's exactly what my flesh looks like day after day. Yes God, I know You provide abundantly for me. Yes, God, I know You've given me wonderful people in my life. Yes, God, I know my eyes should be on eternity because this life will be gone in the blink of an eye. But...and then all my sheepish requests come tumbling out of my mouth...Now there's nothing wrong with asking my heavenly Father for things. In fact, He wants us to come to Him first. I know He cares about the little things and the big things. I've seen Him answer my prayers in many different ways. Sometimes He seems like He's showing off. Sometimes He spoils me. And sometimes He needs to teach me something hard that I don't want to learn.
This last year I had the opportunity to go back into the 'paid' workforce. I had been subbing the previous school year and God was gradually getting me ready for this transition. In essence, it was the perfect job. It was during my kids' school hours, and I could bring Phoenix with me for a reduced tuition. I'm not going to lie though...many days I wanted to quit. We had an extremely challenging group of preschoolers, my own kids were not adjusting well to me working and both James and I couldn't keep our eyes open past 6 p.m. Not to mention, every one of our kids seemed to be struggling in school so we were doing homework early in the mornings and late into the evenings. Phoenix began having major skin issues that we thought she'd grown out of and she continued to need a 'potty buddy' to sit with her for about an hour every night to help her through her defecaloesiophobia (yup, there's a medical term for it).
I kept thinking of how many other families must be struggling in the same ways. Most middle class families in Orange County have both parents working outside the home, right? It is exhausting. It is crazy. I am convinced that everyone is on speed or at least taking caffeine pills with every meal. Our home was a disaster. We lived off Costco pizza. My kids seemed to always be yelling at each other or crying about something. It was a long. tedious school year. I'd like to say that I stayed awake every night reading my Bible and praying for my family. Because that's what good Christians do, right? But I didn't. I slept hard as a rock. And then the next day would start as quickly as the last and I would be praying for my pillow again. The hard truth of this really hit me when I was talking to a weary and teary Jade, asking her if she wanted to talk to a church counselor about stress and time management, among other things. Angry and at the end of her rope, she said, "They'll just tell me to pray and read my Bible more." (I should note that something Jade was angry about in the first place was having so much homework that she couldn't find time to read her Bible.) I knew she was right so I didn't argue with her. But I did remind her that God still loves us through these busy seasons of life, no matter how much or how little we're able to dig into His word. I have often heard that if you're too busy for prayer and quiet time, then you're too busy. And I think that's very true. But when you have done everything within your power to change your schedule, and nothing gives, I do believe God will meet us there. His grace is sufficient. The more we can eat of our daily bread, obviously the better for our spiritual health. The more we cry out to Him in prayer, the closer He holds us. I am so thankful that our God doesn't change. He doesn't love us conditionally like we love others. His love never fails.
As hard as this last year was for us, God carried us through. He helped me find little pockets of time to memorize a verse on anxiety, read a parenting book, listen to worship songs. All things to remind me He's in control. As I sat on the bathroom floor night after night by my little firebird, I tried to remember what a beautiful blessing she was. As I sat through conferences with teachers, I was thankful for so many individuals who genuinely cared for my kids. And let's be honest, I'm so thankful to God for coffee. :)
We were starting to get into the rhythm of things by the end of the school year. I was actually making it to work on time, Phoenix wasn't crying for the last hour of preschool anymore and we were starting to have dinner before 9:00. Now summer is here and it is another adjustment since the kids are home and I'm still working most days. Lol. This seems to be the way it goes. God gets us through and then He gives us something else to tackle.
Will I ever be content? Is Jesus really enough? Summer brings everyone else's gorgeous vacation pictures, their new homes...Lord that's all I want! One Hawaii vacation a year, a single family home with an affordable payment, oh and a perfect body with no cellulite or extra skin please. Oh wait, and children that obey me, always tell the truth, and get along with each other at all times. That's it God, I promise. At least for now...
I'm usually thankful that we go to a Biblically grounded church that tells the truth, whether we want to hear it or not. Sometimes though I do secretly want to visit others that preach the prosperity gospel...even though I know they'd be lying to me. Is that silly? Cyrus and Jade recently went to church camp and our pastor was teaching how 70-80% of jr. high and high school students will turn away from Christ in later years. Ouch, I thought, way to put a damper on things. This is not your typical 'be on fire for Jesus' pep talk. He said it was the most painful and honest thing for him to say. Then he talked about the four main idols that are reasons for this (in his personal experience): fun, friends, finances and family. As I continued to listen to his teaching , I became more and more thankful for his transparency. It is not easy to be a true follower of Christ. And it's only going to get harder and harder in the broken world we live in. Better for our youth to know these things now and count the cost than to end up like so many of the seeds in the Matthew 13 parable; eaten by birds, withered in the sun or choked by weeds. I hope that our youth will be able to genuinely examine their hearts and know whether or not they truly choose satisfaction in Christ alone.
The prayer of my heart is that Jesus will be enough for me. In every season, in every circumstance. No matter what He gives, no matter what He takes away. It is an uphill battle to fight my flesh and choose joy and thankfulness. I'm embarrassed to say this since I have such an easy and amazing life compared to most of the rest of the world.
I find myself turning to Ecclesiastes quite a bit, wondering why God gives me world-focused work that consumes the largest portion of my hours. I really would rather be a monk studying His Word up on a beautiful mountain top. That would be a lot easier than trying to navigate through and around all these uncomfortable potholes of life's roads (not to mention all the people He wants me to interact with on the journey).
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-14
I'm definitely fearing God more the older I get...I never know what He has up His sleeve. I hope I can be excited for His plans instead of nervous. I am increasingly thankful for His steadfast love, even when I act like a spoiled child...
I lift my eyes up to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Our year was not all work; here are some pics of some of the fun times we had together too :)
